Well after months and months of putting off placing this post online I’ve finally decided to do it, ill let you read the first part before i explain why the time wasn’t right to share this previously but it is now
I believe that once you call something out of it’s hiding place, you disarm it. This works for me & with that in mind I want to share my journey with depression.
After my car crash I had quite severe depression, I was in constant pain, my plans to finish uni with my friends and go do a masters degree had been completely taken away from me, things I enjoyed such as walking into town from my home where suddenly out of grasp, and worst of all the nightmares & flashbacks were…. To be honest I don’t really know how to describe them so I won’t.
Depression after all this was only to be expected, however as the years passed and the pain began to decrease a little and the memories were controllable, I discovered I still couldn’t shake this sense of feeling down, I would try my hardest to convince myself everyone hated me and frankly everyone would be much happier if the crash had’ve finished the job.
My depression controlled me fully and I began to dismantle relationships which meant the world to me.
I got medication & professional help, my friends were extraordinary, but it didn’t change a single thing, I actually remember lying wake at night desperately trying to remember that last time I was genuinely happy and my mind would draw a blank.
It’s not a nice place to be
Throughout all this there was one constant…. Jesus
He kept people in my life that helped me, he gave me a passion for my community, one which I would’ve missed if I had of done the masters degree.
I had joined CCV previously but hadn’t really progressed in my relationship with Christ, I had skipped a year of small group and was planning to skip it again. For whatever reason I ended up going to one (I heard the folks were decent.. Massive understatement) suddenly I found myself challenged to risk for Jesus & to give away what I had for him, and bit by bit I started to overcome ‘the black dog’
Jesus gave me renewed passions, relationships and most importantly hope.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have rough weeks, as I write this I’m exiting one of those weeks, a week where I have frustrated & annoyed those around me, for that folks, I apologise.
I wanted to write this because it’s important to me, and it’s important for others in similar situations that with God at your side IT WILL CHANGE. Maybe not in the way you expect, want or sometimes are prepared to do but it will change. Jesus loves you so much, it wants you to overcome for his glory and your joy !!!!
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I wrote all of that in October last year and sent it to a few folks for a quick read and got very positive feedback, however i couldn’t shake the feeling that i shouldn’t share it just yet and I’m so glad i didn’t ! Jesus hadn’t fully taught me everything that he wanted me to share back in October.
I want to share a dream i had around a year ago, the dream was a short and simple one, it simply had me standing in a dark room feeling alone and scared, Jesus then entered the room and opened a door for me, it shone bright warm light and was instantly inviting. However instead of going straight to this door I desperately clung onto the dark room and tried to not enter the door… I almost instantly forgot that dream last year and didn’t pay any attention to it until last week when I remembered it again, that was a Thursday and on the Friday and daily bible reading was entitled ‘Light & Salvation’ it’s based on Psalm 27:1. This verse talks about whatever you fear brings darkness – depression brought me darkness and that the light of God destroys this darkness and exposes the enemy ! In my dream I had clung so desperately to the dark room because I knew it and believed I didn’t deserve any better, the second I walked through that door I realised who I was and what I carried and the lies of the enemy were exposed and now I live a life determined to make him pay for holding me captive !
Psalm 28 reminds me that not only is the Holy Spirit on me when I feel weak but that anything that the enemy throws at me I have power and authority to conquer, JUST AS YOU DO !!!!
If your reading this from a place of depression know that the Holy Spirit is all over you eager to reclaim anything the enemy has stolen ! Please also contact me if you would like me to pray with you to overcome depression, while I certainly don’t have it all together I definitely do want to defeat any depression that the enemy attempts to send !!
P